i was watching the white of my eyes turn red

....................

2009-08-29T22:46:00.001+10:00

I find myself staring at msn.

Plesse give me another chance

2008-05-20T16:30:00.003+10:00

Today is the 20th of May, it is my one year anniversary with my dearest Irene. What would be a very memorable day for my dearest love, turned out to be a huge disappointment to her. When confronted i did not know what to say, so i guess the best way for me is to write.

One year of being with her. Being together with someo0ne i truly adore, someone i truly love. I was gonna make it a great day.

The plan was simple. She once told me about a movie about Helen Keller she watched when she was young. It was one movie she really liked wanted to watch again. I sought for it and i found it on the video ezy website. So the plan was to meet her after work with a bouquet of flowers and the dvd secretly in my bag which was to surprise her. Then i would invite her to have dinner at Jeremy's on the next day, telling her that tonight we will watch the movie i rented and we proceed to have a meal anticipating the next day's dinner. So it would be simple after work i'll meet her at the mall. On the way back i would drop by video ezy get the dvd, drop by to get some flowers for her. I was thinking wollies do sell flowers so it'll be great.

This was what happen today. I finish work a bit later then 2pm, i called her right after finish as i was leaving. The bus didn't arrive till 2:40. Anyways, i got to video ezy and they don't have the dvd. I was caught off guard. Suddenly the whole point of her going to the mall seem irrelevant. I persisted and decided to check on a dvd shop hoping that i could find it there. I did not find it. Realise i was running out of time i decided i'll just get her the flowers. When i got to woollies, i realize that i made a very bad choice deciding to buy flowers from woolies. After some thinking i decided to buy her a bouquet of rose, which i felt was the better looking one. Irene was starting to call me while i was at the counter. Decided to call her after i paid, since it was my turn.
The flower look well wrap above but were not actually wrap. Anyways i asked if i could get it wrap and it was wrap in a plastic bag.

To summarise, she ended up waiting for me for an hour, hungry and dissapointed. Waiting for a call, hoping to spend some time with me while eating lunch.

I am sorry. I make no excuses for what happen today.It never was my intention for this to happen, not on this day. I did not know what to say cause i could see the disappointment in your face. I tried to explain but i couldn't. I let you down, i'm sorry.

You mean a great deal to me and right now i feel terrible of what has happen. I really don't know how could tell you all this so i decided to type.

Please give me a chance to make it up to you.

I really hope you will accept my invitation to have dinner with me tomorrow to celebrate us. The dinner would be at 7pm and i will be waiting for you in the city at Queens St.

I cannot undone what i have done today, but please give me a chance tomorrow, to show you how special you are to me.

Please give me a chance.

2007-12-15T06:15:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling cold

My world is slowly collapsing around me

I am to be blamed

I love you.

I am sorry.

All sussed out?

2007-12-09T23:58:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling frustrated.

Thinking back of who i was, what i used to do, music i use to listen to, the person i wanted to be.

Seems so long ago...........

I miss, i long at times.

I'm aware its the past, but instead build the future you want.

Just looking inwards for inspiration, cause i have to believe in myself to get where i want to be.

I need the reckless self belief i once had, minus the reckless of course.

I use to believe i was meant for great things

They say i can do anything, with faith like a child

I'm not making sense.

Will start work at a new place tomorrow.

Will update more frequently

Will start a series of essays.

Maybe recollection pieces, reviews, who knows maybe my first short story.

Looking to write more positive.

Probably will start writing stuff i'm passionate about, thoughts

But i guess i'll stay off football for the moment in term of blogging

it will however have the occasional cameo appearance.

So keep an eye on this blog.

My head hurts.......

2007-10-18T22:52:00.001+10:00

My head hurts even more now.

Took some panadol. Gonna sleep for a while

I GOTTA LIFT.....

2007-10-18T20:13:00.000+10:00

My assignment is due, my head hurts.

Can't stop thinking about so many thinks. I cannot afford to fail in what i have set up to pursue, it is not an option to fail. I want to stay here, i want to live a life that i am proud of.

I have to be determine, accomplish what i set out to achieve. I once told myself i was meant for great things to happen. I have to believe again.

I have to sacrifice, i have to keep looking at my target. I want to live my life well, to the fullest, with balance.

I want to be person i have always wanted to be.....

A lot of work needs to be done. I have one shot, i have to give my all.

Lose focus and i will fall back.

I slowly starting to realize what life is kinda like.

I have struggle and work for what i want, i have to make sacrifices

Everything i gain is from what i sow.

Sometimes i feel so left behind, feel so useless, feel upset that i am not as good as i thought i was. I cannot dwell any longer. I must fight it, I must not give up.

I need fire, I need the will of a thousand man.

I need to be a Robson or Keane, I have to inspire........

I am clutching on anything can right now.

My life begins today, everyday, I want to live it right.....

I want to feel inspired, motivated, i want to move with purpose.

I want to believe, i want to chase dreams, do the impossible and yet survived in this harsh world.

I was always living in a bubble and now i am thrust into the deep end. I am being swept away by the currents of it all. I can't give up, i want to face the current. I have to be strong. I have to screamed it all out.

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT FIGHT

You gotta
Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift......

Sat on a roof......

2007-10-10T00:30:00.000+10:00

I'm not on a roof....
I wish i was though........
Feel like sitting on the balcony, the weather is kinda hot.

Ordinary World - Duran Duran

When i hear this song i feel a tinged of sadness mixed with amusement. I guess its got to do with the George Best video i saw on youtube last year.

It also reflects a lot on how i feel at this moment.

" What is happening to it all?
Crazy some say-
Where is the life that I recognise?
Gone away.

But I won't cry for yesterday.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive".

Rest in Peace Bestie.

random story.

2007-06-06T15:25:00.000+10:00

On one strangely cloudy californian afternoon, three hollywood actors were discussing their career directions. The three present were, the future Governor of California, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Slyvester Stallone of Rocky fame and the Muscle from Brussels Jean-Claude Van Damme. The three actions stars were unhappy that they were constantly stereotype to action and emotionless characters. They all wanted to expnad their craft and show that they were much more versatile performers and thus gain the respect as serious actors they trully craved. Stallone commented that a friend of his dropped him a script. It was a semi-biographical epic about the 3 great musicians in history, chronicling their their triumphs and tragedies. Reading through the script, the 3 screen stars got really excited and wanted to make this film a reality. After several minute of silence, Sly Stallone proclaimed loudly in his trademark slur and snarl, "I'll be Mozart!" Van Damme responded, " Then I'll be Chopin!"and Schwartznegger responded in his familiar Austrian accent, "I'll be BACH!!"

Of nightclubs and spastic dances....

2007-04-11T15:20:00.000+10:00

It was the big event of the mid sem break. Klub Kandy. It was a party at a club in Chinatown in Brisbane and i was there to attend it and boy oh boy did i show those people on the dance floor................... my lethal elbows which caught a few people in their faces and sternum with a devasting thud!!! . Not forgetting the thousands of toes i trampelled on as did my rendition of william hung meets the crazy frog. Awful, spastic but fun. The night started off with me dressing up in a white shirt which frankly is too small for me but i wore it anyways. It was a cool shirt and a gift from dear friend, and i promise to wear it out. As i wore the shirt and gazed at the mirror, the refelction that greeted me was well akward. There was for all to see my skinny ass frame. While some guys have wash board abs, my collar bone look taylor made to put the soap, but sadly washboards not included in this package (sold separately).

But despite that i braved it, coz they say if u are confident enough you can pull anything off. (i do not know why we listen to "them") So i took a deep breathe and with confidence i released a plague that would blind mankind for a genenration or so.

Getting there we lined up for an hour plus, nothing much happened. Once in i was greeted with loud music and tons of people having great time.

Music had great beats and the lights spectacular in clubbing kinda way. Watching a potrait of Marilyn Monroe change colour was cool to say the least.

Then squezzing are way to the middle of the crowd we all showed are moves ( i went with group of friends) while i slowly started injuring those around me with my crunching elbows. After spending hours dancing away in the different floors of the club (each floor has different type of music) i decided to get out for a quick bite.

As i remember sitting back and observing the whole scene, i tried to describe what i saw and felt.

Sitting down at the corner of the dance floor, i remember being greeted by the smell of alcohol. I would describe the smell similar to a faint smell of urine. Music beats were loud, the floor shacking with every beat. Then you could see the kaleidoscope of people moving on the floor. Some look good, some look hot, some look out of place, some look aggresive and i just looked spastic but nevertheless evryone was having a good time.

One great thing about clubs is that, it provides an avenue for people to come out form their shell without being to self conscious. As i witness a mutual friend really letting loose. I was told alcohol helped a bit for him. Boy did he let loose, i was grinning from ear to ear witnessing him doing his thang.

But this was all the prelude to what would be the real battle, well at least for me later.

i guess you can tell from my tone that it was great night.

anywas i'll end this entry with some spectacular news

MAN UTD 7

ROMA 1

New version of you, i need a new version of me

2007-01-25T00:38:00.000+10:00

Yup i ripped the title of some tv series song.

I shall start every title with a lyric from a song. See if you can recognise the song intuitively without the aid of google.

But the truth is the current version of me is pretty damn slow and lacks in many areas not compatible with current times. So really need to change or rather upgrade.

Summer semester is hectic, cramping one sem worth of work in one month is overwhelming, but it has to be done. Can't wait to get pass this.

Updates, i may have reach a realisation of truth, the sudden realisation where the petty squabbles can't be put aside and the self admit of faults can begin. Suddenly it seems much clearer and it is hard to digest but have to learn from it i suppose. Feel like taking a self impose exile, a sabbatical, a batman soul searching kinda break but can't afford such luxury.

I'm just typing for the sake of typing, not like anybody's gonna read this anyway. Loads of dribble here.

Feel unsastified, i guess i just don't want to grow up and wanting so much to hold on to my security of childishness of irresponsible time wasting brain cell killing activities. A luxurious dwelling in self pity and self justifying dreams of excuses. Bordering on self impose thrill, in other words syok sendiri.

I want liberation, i want certainty, i want self believe, i want man u to win another premier league title and i want to gain bliss, not the ignorant kind though.

Trivia: In the beginning of Oasis's Don't look back in anger, the piano chord played is the same as the piano chord in the beginning of the song Imagine.

I shall stop now.

Bored?

2006-09-19T04:28:00.000+10:00

Things i do when i'm bored. Look at Google earth and try to trace my way from seafood locations to my house. I need to get a life.

Everybody's changing and i don't feel the same

2006-09-09T20:34:00.000+10:00

Not a good week. Due dates piling up and mid terms approaching. But saddest of all is the death of Steve Irwin, the beloved croc hunter. It is shocking his passing and is surely sad that the world has lost someone so passionate about nature. My thoughts are with his family, as this are difficult times and makes me realise mid terms and assignments are not that big a deal. The people here in Queensland especially the children are just in a state shock and are obviously sad.

Losing a public figure especially someone that has contributed so much to his or her field is always hard to swallow. Death is a natural way of life and looking at Steve Irwin's risky occupation it shouldn't be so shocking but somehow it is still shocking. The world is less better place with passing of great people.

Another sad passing away, thought not so publicise is the death of the Italian great full back Giacinto Facchetti. He captain Italy in 1970 world cup and was one of the top full backs of his time. A pioneer in his position, the tall defender would often surge foward to aid the attack. This was something out of the ordinary as the italians were known for their pragmatic and overly defensive mind set. His foward raids was key in the counter attacking cattenacio tactic used by the ruthless Inter Milan team of the 60s who were probably the most succesful team of Inter's history. His influence had an impact on a young Franz Beckenbauer, who would later- remembering the attacking influence of Facchetti from defense- pioneer the attacking sweeper role, which he use to great effect in his playing career.

It is always sad to lose such greats in the game. Over the years players that have been immortalize in football folklore have showed their mortally and passed away. Among the few that has left, George Best, Didi, Johnny Haynes, Stanley Matthews, John Charles, Rinus Michels and Jimmy Johnstone, to name a few. In the tributes to George Best, one fan wrote why the death of the great man was met with such personal sorrow. Best being an icon of his time was the idol to so many, he represented the youthful innocenceof that time and the greatness he showed on the field represented the fantasyof greatness that all who witness fantasize to achieve. Most kids of that time wanted to be George Best. Above all his death was like the real death of the childhood of the fan. It really gets people thinking when the idol of your youthful days who seem to be able achieve anything dies. It really shows how old we have become.

The afterlife will surely welcome this greats with open arms as it surely will add to their already impressive playing roster. Jokingly one might think that the afterlife needed a full back urgently for a cup final and thus summoned Facchetti. Facchetti will be deeply missed by Italian and the world of football. To think about it, maybe the after life has a crocodile problem and needed some help from Steve Irwin.

Life goes on, but this people will live forever in the memories they have left implanted in our minds. The more with live, the more we lose. The lost is sorely felt.

My Anthem

2006-08-31T01:21:00.000+10:00

Strange how people you have never met, can make sense to you. Maybe it's because our brains takes what we want and discard the rest. What am i talking about, someone might ask. See, when i proscratinate i read blogs, read friendster testimonials, try to find new tunes etc etc.

The most intriguing thing for me is that i learn quite a bit from the blogs and testimonials of people i barely know. Qoutes such as "It’s not wrong to feel for someone, it's wrong to force that someone to feel for you," make bloody good sense and once upon a time shed some light, but maybe a little too late. I suddenly i realise if i take all this little interesting bits, i can form my life anthem loosely based on other people expressions and experiences.

Basically the key ingredient is to "do the right thing" as a chinese bag seller might say in Pacific Mall. Anyways i realise to stand by that is the ultimate thing. The flaw though is that sometimes the right thing is vague. What am i trying to say is at the end of the day, how terrible or painful a situation is, it is importatn to do what is right and forgo our selfish thoughts. Like Spiderman say "Sometimes we have to be steady and do the right thing even if it means giving up your dreams". I think i have been watching too much comic movies.

Another important ingredient, is humility, to realise one is human and full of flaws that we have limited time span of our life to try remedy it. I guess we should never believe our own myth. Believing it is the start of a downward spiral to a painful fall. Self confidence is needed without a doubt but when get caught up in our arogance then we have fallen into our own trap. As my housemate says my biggest enemy is myself.

Sometimes in life we get so consumed with its poisoned like anger, hate, pride to name a few we lose the plot. All this hate and misunderstandings is not worth being shouldered in a lifetime. It is important to let go of pride, to accept responsibilty and blame. to pay our dues, to forgive, to give without expectations, to have intergrity, to ask for forgiveness, to be big enough to take high road not because its noble but because it is the right thing to do.

In life i hope i'm able to bring my share. My life has been stalling, it has reach a cross road, where i have decide which path i want to take that will probably permanently define me for the rest of my natural life. To be honest i'm struggling to pick and walk the path, that is why i'm stalling. Once upon a time, i had a purpose and was never really bothered by the crowd. I have clearly lost the plot, or rather my plot was flawed to begin with and find myself crumbling down like crumbly biscuits. I know that was a horrible metaphore couldn't think of a better one.

I'm so hoping and i can get through this tunnel and greet the light that is at the end of it. Tunnel meaning my conandrum and the light my solution. It is a long tunnel and i don't really see the light but i hear is really great and it does exist. I believe i can get there but i have to get up first and preservere through my self doubt and confusion that has clouded every passing day. Maybe i overthink it, which i shouldn't but i find myself just feeling so lost. I miss having a purpose.

"I'm worst at what i do best and for this gift i feel bleesed" -Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit_

I Love Football, what can i say

2006-08-26T00:25:00.001+10:00

I realy love it. It is only thing i can really talk or type about. Anyways here's my futsal update brought to you by Just Juice 100% juice, no added sugar.

My team has disintegrated within weeks, The withdrawal of my goalie and midfielder has left me without a team. The non commital stance of prospective defender is not helping the cause, instead i have decided join another team. But that team, i'm not sure if its complete. The fate of my futsal career hangs in the balance.

On a brighter note my championship manager dream team is doing pretty great and might actually go down in the history of the game. It's bustling with talent and youthful exuberance. The latest news is the signing of versatile foward Andrea Gasbaronni on a loan. He's really quick and an excellent crosser. We have agreed terms that allows us to a have 5 million purchase option when the loan expires. My defense is solid and won't need much tempering , it is my foward line in which i can't decide on a set formation. However i have flexibility in my squad which is a good thing . At the moment the team primaily plays a 4-1-2-3 formation. My foward line consists of two flexible attacking wingers supporting a lone striker. I like this formation the most. I'll keep you guys posted.

What makes football great? I have no idea but i guess it's the moments of genius in the field of play. Winger jinking and making fullbacks look like fools, geometrical patterns of passing that lead to a goal. Someone taking down a ball with a breathless technique of control and make it look like a piece of cake. Accurate diagonal passes measured precisely into the stride of attacking players running into space. Ingenius improvisations by players in tough positions. Full hearted sliding tackles perfectly timed that dispossess the opponent. Point blank reflex saves. 30 yrads screamers, flying headers, defender flinging their bodies at opponents shots, goalline clearence, lungbursting runs by fullbacks, bending free kicks, cheeky backheels, amazing come backs, spectacular volleys, bulldozing runs, last minute winners, commentators screaming at the top of their voice. The buzz and privilidge of witnessing a moment genius that you will forever keep in your mental scrap book and retell countless times.

Friday night, procrastinating as usual.

2006-08-25T23:00:00.000+10:00

I am a fan of Sarah Mclachlan's music. There something poetic and truthful about her lyrics. Her voice is lovely yet haunting. Her songs are filled with so much emotions, you could almost feel it pouring into your soul from its melodies. I strangely fine solace in her music, its comforting and just great to listen to. I'll review a few of her songs here based on my personal opinion.

Probably my favourite of her songs is "Adia". The introduction of the song speaks of regret despite the person trying his or her best. " Adia i do believe i failed you, Adia i know i let you down, but don't you know i tried so hard to love you in my way". It speaks of losing someone dear to you, whether it be a close friend or even oneself. Sometimes the lost of someone close or the lost of innocence is so painful and it becomes so overbearing. At the end of the day she realize's we are not perfect and it's important to forgive oneself for their mistakes.

Then there is the simple love song "ice cream". With Mclachlan's vocals and accompanied by the beating symbols in the background, the song manages the capture the best feeling in the world, being in love. There is something sincere about this song, it is not your standard love song filled with sappy statement professing ones love but instead filled with simple words, words when someone is trully happy and blissfully in love. It not so much the lyrics but the feeling it conveys. A song that feels personal, that only the two lovers get it. It's not filled with blind optimism but just blissful joy and also knowing that love is not easy.

"Possesion" in my opinion probably contains her most poetic of lyrics. The song puts in you into the mind and the raw emotion of an individual scarily obssesed with another. It's lyrics vividly potray the emotions of being obssesed and how it consumes. Her voice its at its haunting best conveying repressed emotions of the obssesion. Frightening the obssesion maybe but somehow strangely familiar to most. I reccomend hearing both the recorded version and also the live mirrorball version which has excellent live music. I love the way she ends the song in the live version.

Another gem is the song "good enough". It's about loving someone and not being able to comprehend why someone so beautiful chooses to be with someone who think's he or she is not good enough. The individual deserves so much more and is so much more than good enough.

Among other songs which are highlights are the sad "do what you have to do" and "hold on", the ever popular, soothing and comforting "angels", the regretful "i love you", the vocal soaring "fear" & "mary". the humbling "world's on fire" and her rendition of Beatles "blackbird".

I greatly recommend her songs for those who have not really heard of her.

Love's like a bomb - Oasis

2006-08-17T18:51:00.000+10:00

Have been listening to the latest Oasis album, it has been a calm week. I'm practically off almost the whole week due to public holidays. Watch United 93 the night before, it is scary to think abt the world as humans constantly find ways to end our own existence. The only way i guess human will stop fighting among each other is to have a common enemy. So bring on the aliens.

I'll be entering a new realm next year as i probably would graduate and start working. Yes yours trully is going be an adult, work day and night, staying back to meet datelines and if i'm lucky able to catch spiderman 3 in cinemas in the same time. Hope i have determination and single mindedness to get thru it.

To be honest, i have a million thoughts but seem unable to blog or put my thoughts into words. Guess maybe this isn't my thing

Will be going to EKKA tomorrow and maybe watch Miami vice. An exciting event is coming up. Futsal tournament. If lucky i have alraedy 2 recruits for my team, an imposing figure as a goalie, a certified lifeguard to be the engine in my teams midfield. However the verdict is still out on the signing of an untried defender in my team. His leggy presence might give the team some defensive cover, but his inexperience is worrying. He has yet to decide. So now i need four more players. Probably need a defender, a striker and two flexible midfield players. The name of the game is fun, hope we'll do well and also have a great time. With a bit of luck, my team might just create a few upsets. Yet to decide on a team name. A few ideas, among them are vegemight, corinthians casuals, nasi kandar fc, thorpe street. I'll keep myself posted.

You look like...... a perfect fit. - Aimee Mann

2006-08-07T23:43:00.000+10:00

Feelin kinda tired, had a long day in uni. Life passes day by the day without much purpose, have to get my act together. Been reading some blogs mostly those of my friends. It's actually interesting to note how humans are voyeurs. We all do it by checking out other ppl's blogs, going to the movies, reading tabloid magazine dan lain-lain. We love to have a peak into other ppl's life.

I have devise a few plans. First i will adopt the Queensland Roar as my soccer team of the A League. They have just sign the Beckham of China to bolster their ranks. His nickname is more for his out of field activities rather than his dead ball abilities. Anyways plan to go watch this guys play live. Been an soccer enthusiast but never had the whole stadium experience on a regular basis. So i guess i can do this now.

Isn't it ironic. I have stayed in Malaysia for 2o years ++ of my life and when i'm overseas the world cup trophy decides to be displayed in Berjaya Times Square, just my luck. Would love to have been there see the trophy. Too bad for me, i guess i'll just have to win the tournament to get my chance to view trophy. A boy can always dream.

Ekka week will be approaching soon, it's some like festival thingy for a few days in Brisbane. Heard got exhibitions and rides. Its a big thing here as coz of it i have a few days of in Uni.

Things that amaze and dumbfounding. I friend recently let me watch this show called "the puppetry of the penis" and man those guy have play dohs for dicks. It was shocking and painful as this 2 guys standing naked on stage shape shift their bits and pieces into monuments among them the eifel tower. I mean how do grown up man do that and not get seriouly hurt. In one instance he rearrange his privates and his balls were above his dick. Crazy shit. Imagine when he was a kid and discovered his unique and disturbing talent. I'm sure his parents had more than they bargained for when he decided present for them his unique puppet show. Besides that they actually sell books teaching the ways of the penis puppetry. Something i must get my friends for christmas.

number 1

2006-07-18T02:29:00.001+10:00

First entry. Pictures will be loaded, thoughts will be poured. The begining of my blog. It will be my personal record of my life, my thoughts, my link to the pass when now becomes the past. It will remind me how it felt, what an idiot i was and maybe still am. It will allow me to reminisced and it'll be my nostalgic memorial. The sweetest decline.